One day you wake up, and you've lost everything.

Sorry for the rather unplanned hiatus. I've been a lil bit depressed. Yeah. I had my first breakdown.

After the first home game, that I was surprisingly an unexpectedly picked for, it just cracked. I dont know why. I just felt really bad after the game cause I felt completely and utterly useless! I dint know where the ball was gonna be, I was running around on offense like a chicken with my head cut off, was screamed at by the coach for walking *served me right*, and my teammate told me to f**k off ! yeah. You heard the last part alright. Some of the girls came over to me after the game, gave me a pat on the back and a well done. Told me not to take to take it personally cause it was just in the heat of the moment. Nad, who came all the way from Leeds to support ME, not Leeds, ironically we were up against Leeds for the match, gave me her usual uplifting pep talk and stuff.

But you know the feeling of when you're really feeling like shit, and NOTHING anyone says can make you feel better about yourself. You'll just be finding points to contradict whatever the other person is saying and in the end, you'll just feel worse.

Then came the waterworks. I held it in for as long as I could. I waited till Nad was safely on the bus back to Leeds. Got home, and it came. I just realized how lonely I am here. I have friends, but not the types you can talk to like proper. They're the ones you just ask how their weekend was and whether they were going out to get drunk that night or something . I tell you, I reread the same script over and over again everyday for the past month. Talk about smalltalk. haihh. Then, there's my flatmate, and I know what you'll all prob be thinking, ' ala biasa la tu, orang putih, kan lain dari kita ' butttttt, believe it or not, its not the locals giving me shit. Its the MALAYSIAN. She just DOES NOT want to be friends with me. Its like we got off on the wrong foot straight from the beginning. And I have TRIED making amends and yet she just refuses to befriend me . SCREW YOUUUUUUUUU!! T.T

I miss Malaysian food, I miss mamaks and I miss hanging out at mamaks. I'm starting to feel distant from my friends back home due to the time difference probably. Whenever I'm online, all of them would prob be in bed by then and whenever they're up, I would prob have class or training or some other shit I have to be doing. AHHH.

Dah laaa. Its so depressing even talking about it. I've had a lot of good things going on for me in the past and present. Hey, so I can call myself a lucky girl . But you're always gonna have your low points in life right . So I'm just gonna count my blessings !

Dear Allah, please give me strength to proceed for it is only you I seek it from. Amin.