Let it go.

The thing about writing is that you either need inspiration or its just talent . With me, its the former. Hence, the minor hiatus.

So something happened last night. I heard news which wasnt really of a surprise to me, but it kinda just confirmed things and I dont know, it hit me harder than I expected it to. I've always known it was coming but that hasnt stopped me from wondering where it went wrong. I just couldnt fathom it. So lets take it back to the start...

About a year and a half ago. I wasnt happy. Sure, people could easily see I was this carefree type of person. Always having a laugh. But deep down, I was hurting. Hungover some guy who dint think I was good enough. I lost interest in everything at the time. No, lets break it down. I lost interest in getting to know new people, boys specifically. And so, quite a few came along, and as quickly as they came, they went. Shooed out the backdoor by a clearly angry and sadistic little me.So, to the many guy friends I have out there, dont take it too personally. Being cheated on then dumped clearly is very demoralizing to a girl's confidence.

Then, you know how the saying goes, it'll hit you when you least expect it.
This amazing person comes into your life. And you think, well he's too good to be true. He was decent-looking, athletic (which is always a must), smart and funny at the same time, mature (hmmm, subject to opinion), taller than me, (for once!) comes from a humble family background, he's got a good career going for him, and most importantly for once, he intimidates me. Thing is, and I say this with the risk of sounding a little too pompous, (but believe me, I have no intention of) I have achieved a lot for someone my age and gender. So, when I am around boys my age, its very easy for me to be superior and act like I'm better than them. And I dont want to be that person. I hate myself when it happens and it was finally nice to have someone that can bring that sort of humility in you.

So at first, it was all a lil bit surreal. This charming person comes, subtle but definite. And so I downplayed it at times. Thought it was the most preposterous idea ever. I tell myself, ''he would never be interested in someone like you..'' and ''no..you're just too young for him..'' and ''It's just a phase...it'll blow over soon''. but it didnt. It lasted for quite a while. When it was apparent that maybe he was interested, I found myself saying ''hey, probably this is my break''. He made me a different person. I covered my mouth when I laughed, tried to look nice for someone for a change, and I finally had table manners! (a belching competition was a definite no-no with him!) :D and so, I let myself fall. Honestly, there was constant flirting. Cute text messages I would keep and read again just to smile at. And it was two-way street.

Only catch is, he never committed. We were never exclusive, he never openly said he liked me, plus I dont think any of our friends even knew there was something going on. I only told two people about him at the time, so afraid of jinxing it. And so with that, it was always an open ended relationship I guess. Kinda like a game of who blinks first. My friends persuaded me to confess and just tell him how I felt but I just didnt have the guts to do that. I dont have that strong a personality to just march up to a guy and ask him out! Moreover, I think deep down, there were still those questions of insecurities lingering about.

And eventually, all good things come to an end.
He slowly distanced himself. Leaving me with ''what if's..'' and ''what happened..'' and ''were we..?''. We remained friends though. Up until a few days ago, I hoped. Hoped that maybe.. just maybe I wasnt just imagining there was something between us. Hoped that somehow, deep down he felt the same, just too afraid to commit in fear of rejection or failure. Hoped that he would later come to his senses, better late than never. But with yesterday's news, I give up.

He definitely was, too good to be true.

But then again maybe he was just a phase. Someone sent to help me get over my last problem. Though I can never stop thinking, would it have made a difference, if I had said something?