Its ok.

Yesterday was probably one of the... not so good days. It was sunny and bright out. But I never left the house. I was awake by 5am, which is considered normal nowadays as I can hardly get a good night's sleep lately. Got up, prayed, read the Quran for a bit, went for my morning run and even made myself a stack of sweet pancakes, just cause its a Sunday. but by about 4:00 in the afternoon, I was done for the day. I ran myself a bath, cause I thought it might help - a bath in the middle of the day. And so I sat on the little step leading into the bathroom whilst watching the tub fill up, the bubbles starting to foam, tucked my knees in and cried. I'd never thought myself to be one who cries so spontaneously but its been building up for quite a while and the floodgates finally burst. 

I didnt cry when I wished mum happy birthday and the first thing she replied was "How have you been?" I didnt cry when the family kept asking me how my exams went and all I could say was "It went alright," knowing how disappointed they would be of me if they knew it was a complete disaster. I stayed as strong as I could when my dad slipped in a note among the supplies he sent through a friend, saying how he's still praying for the best. I put up a strong front when a friend stopped me in the street, I congratulated her on her recent wedding and she asked me how you were. And I didnt cry when a friend texted saying she's making dua' for me in Mecca, day and night. 

In those moments when you feel like nothing is going right for you and you're not sure you'll make it through another day.. In those moments where your intentions were to help but it ends up blowing up in your face anyway... In those moments when you are so overwhelmed with support of friends, family and random people telling you that you should be moving on when you already know that, yet you have only been trying your best... In those moments where you feel alone and all you really want to do is talk to that one person that makes it better just by being on the other line... In those moments where this one person is on your mind all the time eventhough you know he shouldnt be... Just know that you are trying. You are doing your best. and your best is good enough. At the end of the the day, it doesnt really matter what anyone else thinks about it. 

I'd like to think I have pretty thick skin. Writing and putting stuff out here on this thing called the internet exposes yourself to people who are judgy and critical. But thick skin or not, there are days where its difficult to put a tough face and carry on. So its ok if sometimes when you're on your own and you dont feel like you want to move on because eventhough they broke their promise, you still want to keep yours. Its ok if you take your time letting go because it meant so much to you, and you still want to fight for it. But when the time comes, you'll know. and once/if that happens, insyaAllah, you'll be able to smile again and say you made it through. So its ok to cry for a bit. Its ok to have bad days too. You're only human. 

And after coming round and realising that the bathroom was about to flood, I reminded myself of what someone once told me, "Allah has mad love for us. All we have to do is remember him in our day and insyaAllah He will guide us."

Then I got up, took my bath and carried on as best I could for the rest of the day. 

Always more, never less.